


Of Assassins and Dates

by ProdigyBlood



Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Confusion, Craig just wants a date, Cute, High School, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oneshot, Suspicious Tweek, Tweek and Craig, but Tweek thinks he's suss, creek - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:00:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29312247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProdigyBlood/pseuds/ProdigyBlood
Summary: Tweek Tweak was going to die tomorrow. He was just seventeen years old, his life barely begun. Hell, he hadn’t even managed to trick a boy into dating him yet and now it was too late. He felt like bashing his head against the wall. Maybe if he maimed himself enough, he wouldn’t have to go to school and face the new kid.Craig Tucker.--Tweek thinks the new kid at school is an assassin.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak
Comments: 12
Kudos: 115





	Of Assassins and Dates

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, long time no see! Felt inspired to write a quick Creek fic! It was written in about an hour and it's been a long time since I've written a South Park fic so it's probably terrible but what the heck! I hope you enjoy! <3

Tweek Tweak was going to die tomorrow. He was just seventeen years old, his life barely begun. Hell, he hadn’t even managed to trick a boy into dating him yet and now it was too late. There was so much he would never experience, so much he would miss out on. It wasn’t fair; it wasn’t _right_. He hadn’t done anything to deserve his impending doom. Sure, he was a bit weird, a bit _twitchy_ but he was a good person, damn it! He didn’t deserve to be murdered behind the school, which is undoubtedly how his day would end.

He wondered how it would happen. A blow to the head, maybe? Too many punches to the stomach, rupturing his organs? Christ, he hoped it wasn’t a gun!

Tweek stared miserably at the condescending poster on his bedroom wall, the one that had a cute kitten telling him to ‘hang in there’ and felt like bashing his head against something. Maybe if he maimed himself enough, he wouldn’t have to go to school and face the new kid.

_Craig Tucker._

Craig had been at South Park High for all of two weeks and he’d had exactly one interaction with Tweek, and yet, _still,_ he’d gruffly demanded Tweek meet him after school the next day. Why? What had Tweek ever done to him? _Gah_! The injustice of it all!

Looking down at his phone, Tweek stared at the text from Kenny.

**K:** _Maybe he just wants to chat?x_

Tweek snorted. Yeah, right! Craig Tucker was a thug. In the two weeks he’d been at South Park High he’d been summoned to the principal’s office at least five times. Tweek heard he’d already gotten into several fights, and there were even rumours that he’d broken Clyde Donovan’s nose, not that Clyde didn’t deserve it, jock bastard that he was.

And now he wanted to murder Tweek.

Because Tweek’s life really couldn’t get any worse.

Tweek jumped to his feet with a frustrated cry and ripped the cat poster from the wall, tearing it to shreds. The cat was an asshole anyway. How dare it tell him to hang in there when his short life was about to be snuffed out by some giant creep who had decided Tweek needed to die without even getting to know him.

“Well, you know what, cat?” Tweek said, staring at the piece of the poster he still held in his hands. “I’m not gonna go down easy. If Tucker thinks he picked an easy target, he can damn well think again. I’ll rip his eyeballs out!”

By the time his final class was wrapping up the next day, the fire of resolve burning in Tweek’s chest had significantly diminished. He wondered what his chances of escape were. If he ran, could he make it to Moscow? No, because that was impossible, but if he ran, he could make it to the bus stop, and the bus could take him to the airport. Craig Tucker didn’t hate him so much that he’d follow him out of the country. 

Oh hell, but what if he did?

What if Craig was a hired assassin? He was deadly and gorgeous, so it added up. Maybe somebody had put a hit on Tweek? Clyde perhaps? They had been friends once before Clyde had decided he was too cool. Maybe Craig had punched Clyde because the asshole was refusing to pay up. It certainly sounded like a Clyde thing to do.

If Craig _was_ an assassin, then escape was impossible. It would be better just to face the music now rather than live the rest of his short life in fear, right?

The temptation to run was so strong, though.

Fuck it. Tweek was going to escape. He had to. Maybe he’d go to Norway. Norway was pretty, right? As long as they had coffee and no Craig Tucker, Tweek didn’t give a damn.

“Hey.” Tweek stiffened at the monotonous voice that drew him from his thoughts. He’d only just made it from the classroom, long after everyone else had cleared out because he’d been hoping Craig would give up and decide he wasn’t worth it after all. The last thing Tweek had expected was for Craig to be leaning against the corridor wall, waiting for him. He _was_ a good assassin. Craig had been here all of two weeks and could find Tweek without a problem. Tweek had been here several years and still struggled to find the right classroom for lessons he took more than once a week. Hell, he’d gotten lost on his way to the gym just yesterday.

If he ran, how far would he get before Craig caught up? He was almost two heads taller than Tweek, and most of that extra length seemed to be in his legs. He wasn’t built like a runner but considering a five-year-old was faster than Tweek, Tweek wasn’t sure he fancied his chances.

“W-What do you want with me, man? I don’t have any money.” Tweek hated how squeaky his voice had come out, tainted by fear. What had happened to ripping out Craig’s eyeballs? When it came down to it, Tweek was weak and pathetic. Maybe he deserved to die, after all?

Craig drew his eyebrows together and, for a moment, Tweek thought he might be confused. Then he realised that it was probably just a trick to make him lower his guard.

“I’m not after your money,” Craig said.

“I won’t go down easy!” Tweek squealed. “If you try to kill me here, I’ll scream.”

Craig wasn’t dropping his confused act. “Um,” he said. “I’m sorry I’ve given you the wrong idea. I don’t want to hurt you.” As if to prove his point, he took a step back, holding up his hands where they were clearly visible. Tweek didn’t relax. This had to be a trick.

“Well, what do you want if not to kill me, man?!”

“Why do you think I want to kill you?” Craig deferred the question which seemed pretty suspicious if you asked Tweek.

“Gah! I dunno, man! I’m sure you have your reasons but hell if I know what goes through the mind of an assassin!” At that, Craig snorted. The giggle that followed surprised all the fear out of Tweek, who watched in awe as Craig clamped a hand over his mouth, trying to calm himself.

It was rather cute, actually.

“You think I’m an assassin?” Even when laughing, his voice was still nasally and near monotonous. Except, if Tweek listened closely, then perhaps it wasn’t… Maybe the emotion was just buried behind deep insecurity. Although what someone like Craig Tucker would have to be insecure about, Tweek didn’t know.

“Well, yeah?”

“Dude,” Craig said, “I’m not here to take you out. I, uh, actually…” He was blushing. Tweek squinted at him, more confused than ever. Why was Craig Tucker blushing?

“What?” Tweek demanded, the suspense killing him worse than the Craig in Tweek’s mind had. 

“I actually wanted to ask you out,” Craig said, not meeting his eyes.

“You – _huh_. _What_?”

Craig looked up, his intensely mesmerising blue eyes meeting Tweek’s foggy green pair. Tweek swallowed noisily. “I noticed you on my first day. You gave me directions, do you remember?”

“I did?” Tweek remember bumping into Craig and mumbling something, but he hadn’t remembered what. He was too focused on Craig’s hulking body and how easily it could snap him.

Craig laughed again. “Yeah, they were terrible. I ended up twenty minutes late for class and got sent to the principal.”

That sounded about right, at least. Although… Craig’s first summons to the principal hadn’t been for fighting? That didn’t mean the other four hadn’t been, though. At least one of those occasions was after he punched Clyde, after all.

“So, you want payback for that?” Tweek asked.

“I already said I’m not here to hurt you, Tweek. I, uh, actually, I think you’re cute. You looked so flustered that day that I thought you were new too.”

“How’d you find out I wasn’t?” Tweek asked suspiciously. He still wasn’t convinced that this wasn’t all an act. Maybe Craig would kill him on their date, which meant, of course, Tweek couldn’t agree. Could he?

“I asked Clyde Donovan about you. He… wasn’t very polite.”

“Wait.” Tweek frowned. “Is that why you punched him?”

“I didn’t punch him,” Craig said. “I just threatened him a little. You can’t believe every rumour you hear in high school.”

“You obviously believed at least one,” Tweek pointed out, his mind whirling as he fit the pieces together. “I’m guessing Clyde told you something that made you think I would _want_ to be asked out by you.” Basically, Clyde had told Craig that Tweek was gay. In a not too polite way.

Asshole.

Craig averted his eyes, his cheeks flushing again. “I knew it might not be true, but I didn’t think it would hurt to ask. I’m sorry.”

“It is true,” Tweek said bluntly. “So, what? You want to ask out the first gay kid you meet or something?” This conversation certainly wasn’t going the way Tweek had thought. Judging by Craig’s face, it wasn’t going the way he had planned either.

“That’s not it,” Craig protested. “I asked because it was _you_. I want to get to know you, Tweek. But I understand, it’s okay. I’ll leave you be now.” Dejected, Craig Tucker turned and started walking down the corridor. Without other students around, it was impossible to tell if he was really that huge or whether it was Tweek who was that small. He felt even smaller now, as he watched Craig leave.

“Craig!” Tweek blurted before he could stop himself. Craig half turned, revealing that even his side profile was gorgeous. “Do you like coffee?”

The corners of Craig’s lips twitched. “Yeah,” he said.

Tweek strode over to him, grabbing his hand which was probably a little forward but if he let go now, it would seem even weirder. Tweek decided to just roll with it. “Let’s go get some coffee.”

Craig’s hand was warm against him. Tweek was sure he felt his fingers twitch in the gentlest of squeezes. “Okay,” Craig said. “I like a good coffee before I assassinate someone.”

Tweek squealed and tried to yank his hand free, but Craig laughed, refusing to let go. Gently, he nudged up against Tweek in what the shorter boy hoped was confirmation that he was joking.

If not… Well, maybe Craig would help him tick boyfriend off the bucket list before killing him? There were certainly worse things.


End file.
